Should I tell the child that he is adopted? In our country, every parent who has taken a responsible step and adopted a new person into the family thinks about this issue. No European country has an adoption secrecy law. Parents do not try to hide this fact from their adopted children.
In Russia, there is a law that allows foster parents to hide the true origins of children, and many families prefer it. Therefore, when the State Duma considered amendments to the bill proposing the abolition of the secret of adoption, the society refused to accept it, it was evident that citizens were clearly excited. Why do people so passionately cling to lies? Maybe they think it is good?
Seven Sealed Mystery
To begin with, let’s look at the reasons that encourage adoptive parents to hide the truth from their children. The basis for such a decision is the fear of adults, fear for themselves and for the child.
- Fear of telling the truth. Sometimes parents simply do not know how and at what time it is better to approach the child with a conversation. They cannot find the right moment and the right words. Adults want to reveal the truth, but don’t know how. They are afraid to think that the child will not understand them, will be offended, and want to find their biological parents. In fact, it is rare for a foster child to take offense at their current parents. The age at which he learns the secret plays a big role in this. The choice of the right words, the sincerity and sincerity of the conversation are also important.
- The reason for the prolonged silence may be the fear of inflicting psychological trauma on the child. Each of us understands that it will not be easy for children to realize that they are being raised by non-blooded relatives, and their real parents have abandoned them. It’s very hard. Of course, the child will experience great stress and may become depressed. But the further you stretch the frank conversation, the more painful it will be for the child to learn the truth and come to terms with it. Instead of love and respect, anger and aggression, misunderstanding may appear.
- Also, parents are afraid to take this secrets out of the hut, as they say. They don’t know how the child’s classmates will react to this. Adults fear that such a truth could play a cruel joke with their adopted child and make him the object of ridicule and mockery from peers. Much depends on the children’s team, education, understanding of etiquette, morality and ethics. But if you think about it, this truth does not play a big role in establishing relationships with other people. She is more able to help than complicate the situation. Children who will regularly remind their peer of their parentage will alienate him from themselves. Only those who really know how to feel, understand and support will remain true friends. Qualitative rather than quantitative selection will operate here.
- Sometimes, the truth remains sealed due to the fact that other relatives insisted on this, for example, grandmothers and grandfathers. It also happens that adoptive parents do not even talk about adoption to their relatives. They can move to another city, not visit loved ones for a long time. The adoptive mother can imitate her pregnancy, talk about her situation. This is done by married couples who are sure that relatives will not understand and will not support their decision. They do not want to spoil relationships with loved ones, so they prefer to lie.
Disadvantages of the secret of adoption
The secret, kept for many years, does not give peace of mind to its keepers. She is a heavy burden on her soul. There is only one way to get rid of it – to tell everything. But not everyone does this, thus arranging psychological torture for themselves.
Foster parents who have chosen the secret of adoption have to live in constant fear that the child will learn the truth from strangers. There is always a chance that his blood parents will want to find him and will. Ill-wishers, envious people who want to hurt a person in such a sophisticated way can also meet on the path of life. Accepting the truth from strangers is always much harder. Here it is certainly impossible to avoid resentment, misunderstanding, anger.
Parents who have decided to keep the fact of adoption a secret should understand that this is contrary to moral and ethical principles, morality and ethics. All my life to deceive a person who has already been cruelly betrayed. Just imagine what conclusions a person can draw if he accidentally finds out that he has been lied to by those whom he has trusted all these years.
The best time for revelations
It will be better for everyone if parents give up the secret of adoption and are sincere with their child from early childhood. A favorable time for a sincere conversation will be the child’s age up to 5-6 years. At this age, all children are very active, inquisitive. They do not seek to condemn or protect anyone. Children learn about life, trying to understand everything that is happening around.
Oddly enough, but it is in the preschool age that you can count on a complete understanding of the child. Ideally, foster parents will remind him of his birth from time to time starting from the very first days in the new family. So the risk of psychological trauma is reduced to zero.
For a child, this fact will not come as a surprise, caught by surprise. From an early age, he will listen to his parents, know about their desire for a better life for the child. Thus, awareness will gradually occur, correct conclusions will be formed. With age, such a child will appreciate their mom and dad more, be proud of them. Relationships will become more trusting, sincere, and joyful.
The most unfavorable time for the disclosure of the secret is the transitional age. During this period, the child is already hard. In his body, a fundamental hormonal restructuring occurs, the period of puberty begins . In addition, at the age of 14-17, active socialization takes place, the child learns to communicate, interact with people of different ages. If at this time he finds out the secret of his birth, then this can greatly shock him. Reactions can range from withdrawal and depression to resentment and hostility. If, after all, you decide to tell everything now, then it is better to consult with a psychologist, he will tell you how to make the conversation more painless.
Dear Parents! Don’t be afraid to tell your child the truth. You accept him, which means that he becomes for you a dear, close and beloved person. Take care of his feelings. If you can establish mental closeness, then the child will understand you and support you in everything. I wish you success, patience and boundless family happiness.